Prunes on the Deck

After I came home today, I noticed some odd, dark nuggets on our deck, each about the size of a half-dollar. It looked like the Easter Bunny used our deck as its personal lavatory. Even the metaphor bothers me, because I'm Jewish. There's no suitable Jewish creature to attribute them to. They looked nothing like Hamentashen.

I asked Melenda what they were. "They're prunes," she said.

Whenever we have bread that is too old to eat but not rancid enough to toss down the garbage disposal, Melenda throws it onto the deck or into the backyard for birds and squirrels to eat. Although she's put other items out there, it's usually bread. I've never seen prunes out there.

Our dog Dulcie has been known to sometimes scavenge these gifts intended for nature's children. Naturally, this concerned me. I asked Melenda if she checked if Dulcie would eat the prunes. There are many things I would not welcome into my home. Among those would be a dog with explosive diarrhea.

She assured me she tried offering one to Dulcie, who wouldn't eat it. This by itself is a mystery, because the dog has no qualms about raiding the cats' litter box. How horrible does something have to taste in order to say, "None for me, thanks, but do you have any more of that cat feces?"

Okay, so the dog won't eat prunes, but I still wondered about the other creatures. "Are you trying to give the birds and squirrels the runs?" I asked. "Don't you already complain that they crap all over the bird feeder? What are you trying to do, paint it white?"

Fortunately, she knew I was joking and not really upset.

"Why'd you throw them out, anyway? What was wrong with them?"

"They're old," she said.

"Okay, but answer this: Prunes are wrinkled, so how do you know when they're old?"

My sister-in-law Michelle, who was observing this exchange, found this observation both hilarious and a good point. Melenda said the date was on the package, but sometimes a good reason isn't enough to stop laughing at something.

Those poor birds. And in this heat, no less. I think I'll toss some Pepto-Bismol chewables on the deck tomorrow.